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Mar 30, 2020 at 23:30. 14 comments

A Definitive Ranking of All the Jezebel Pets, As Judged by 3 Kids

A Definitive Ranking of All the Jezebel Pets, As Judged by 3 Kids

Last week, and largely because controlled low-stakes chaos and petty drama is a soothing balm right now, I embarked upon a quest that could ultimately tear the Jezebel staff apart—I decided to finally, after years of all of us tiptoeing around this verboten third rail, investigate the answer to this very important question: which pet, of all of the Jezebel pets, is the best pet?

The party line...

14 Comments

Feb 18, 2020. 15 comments

I Am Extremely Here for This Clip of Harrison Ford Playing With a CGI Dog

I Am Extremely Here for This Clip of Harrison Ford Playing With a CGI Dog

My first crush was Peter Pan, which has provided my therapist with a lot of fodder. My second crush was Harrison Ford, who captured my heart so immensely when I first saw Star Wars that I dressed up as Han Solo for no fewer than three Halloweens. It is, therefore, a mild mindfuck that Ford is now into the “old man bonds with dog” phase of his career, having moved past the “killing off his...

15 Comments

Feb 12, 2020. 16 comments

This Dog Is a Star

This Dog Is a Star

Look, there are a lot of reasons to not “get” dog shows. Why spend thousands of dollars on a hairstylist to put a Yorkie in sponge curlers for five hours so that some blowhard in a tuxedo can come and praise genetic traits that humans have arbitrarily imposed on a perfectly good wolf?

The reason is this: Because every so often, a dog comes along that just has it. And my friends, GCHP Stone...

16 Comments

Jan 29, 2020. 19 comments

Michael Bloomberg Meets A Dog For What Can Only Be the Very First Time

Michael Bloomberg Meets A Dog For What Can Only Be the Very First Time

Dogs are pretty straighforward: They’re loyal, they sniff things, and they like to be pet. Petting a dog is one of the easiest things you can do to get yourself into a dog’s good graces, and it doesn’t take much finesse. You simply put your hand on a dog’s head or back—maybe even their tummy if the dog in question is feeling extra friendly—pet, and keep it moving.

But former New York City...

19 Comments

Ashley Reese Ashley Reese Jan 16, 2020. 21 comments

Lev Parnas' Lawyer Is Probably Shitting Himself Right Now

Lev Parnas' Lawyer Is Probably Shitting Himself Right Now
Barf Bag Welcome to Barf Bag, a daily politics roundup to help you sort through the chaotic Trumpian news cycle.

Lev Parnas, the Rudy Giuliani associate who allegedly aided digging up dirt on President Trump’s political enemies, is set to appear on Rachel Maddow’s MSNBC show on Wednesday night, a move that would make any sensible lawyer want to piss themselves. And that’s just the beginning of...

21 Comments

Ashley Reese Ashley Reese Dec 27, 2019. 14 comments

Yeah, I'm Canceling Ivanka Trump's Dog

Yeah, I'm Canceling Ivanka Trump's Dog
Year in Review 2019Year in Review 2019Remembering the year that you, me, and everyone we know was canceled. Rest in peace

In July, the Trump-Kushner clan gained its newest member : a snow-white dog named Winter. Between Instagram posts depicting Ivanka Trump as dutiful First Daughter and Savior of All Women lay a few photos Winter, accompanied by silly captions like “Dog Daze of Summer!” and...

14 Comments

Tracy Clark-Flory Tracy Clark-Flory Dec 25, 2019. 6 comments

Snow Buddies Is the Seasonally Appropriate Talking Dog Movie That... Killed a Bunch of Puppies

Snow Buddies Is the Seasonally Appropriate Talking Dog Movie That... Killed a Bunch of Puppies

There is no defending the fact that at this time of year I have—on multiple occasions, of my own accord, and without any children present—watched the talking-dog movie Snow Buddies, but let me try to explain. It’s a Disney film starring five golden retriever puppies (the titular buddies) with the inexplicable ability to move their canine lip-flaps into the complex articulations necessary to...

6 Comments

Dec 20, 2019. 17 comments

You Can and Should Train Yourself to Poop On Schedule

You Can and Should Train Yourself to Poop On Schedule

When I was in college, rumor had it that the sister of a close friend couldn’t take 8 a.m. classes because she pooped so regularly that she nearly shit herself in her early-morning world lit survey and had to drop the course. This person—a marathon runner who ate nothing but whole ancient grains and homemade smoothies—seemed like the kind of person to have her poops on a timer. My friends and...

17 Comments

Maria Sherman Maria Sherman Nov 23, 2019. 10 comments

Are Dogs Good Drivers? A Tiny Jezebel Investigation

Are Dogs Good Drivers? A Tiny Jezebel Investigation

I’m not sure how it happened, but a good news story entered my Twitter feed today. A dog left unattended in a car in South Florida drove around in circles, in a cul-de-sac, for an hour. The canine, who apparently refused to give his name or participate in an interview with ABC affiliate WPBF-TV, is a black lab who only smashed into one mailbox. I think that’s impressive. Clearly, this pup is...

10 Comments

Esther Wang Esther Wang Nov 22, 2019. 13 comments

Frankie, Relax: A Dog Goes to Reiki

Frankie, Relax: A Dog Goes to Reiki

On a recent Saturday afternoon, Cynthia, a reiki practitioner, was laying her hands on my dog, an incredibly anxious two-year-old hound mix who sat fidgeting between the two of us, utterly oblivious to what was about to happen to her for the next 40 minutes of her life. The noise and traffic of the busy Manhattan street below us filtered up into her second-floor studio, but Cynthia’s eyes were...

13 Comments

Molly Osberg Molly Osberg Nov 15, 2019. 14 comments

The Puppy Is Not A Metaphor

The Puppy Is Not A Metaphor

Perhaps, as you slid slack-jawed into the gaping maw of your feeds the other day, you encountered the deformed puppy: 10 weeks old, Dachshund-adjacent, soft and still teething and sporting an improbably well-proportioned tail between its eyes. The dog, who was rescued by Mac’s Mission in Missouri, was immediately named “Narwhal,” and is now being referred to as the “Unicorn Puppy,” because...

14 Comments

Nov 09, 2019.

Cowardly President Never Met With Hero Dog

Cowardly President Never Met With Hero Dog
Barf Bag Welcome to Barf Bag, a daily politics roundup to help you sort through the chaotic Trumpian news cycle.

It’s Katie McDonough’s last day at Jezebel and last time editing Barf Bag so nothing matters goodbye!!!

Here’s all the shit we couldn’t cover today:President Trump likes to think of himself as a man of his word, but I’d like to point out that he said that Conan, the dog who helped...
Oct 31, 2019. 8 comments

Is The Trump Dog Real? A Very Serious Debate

Is The Trump Dog Real? A Very Serious Debate

On Monday, Donald Trump heaped a mountain of praise on the “beautiful dog” who chased down Islamic State leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. Because it was injured in the raid, the hero dog was awarded a Pawprint of Honor by the President this afternoon, seemingly the highest honor in the country for dogs who are also cops and soldiers.

The Jezebel staff was immediately split on whether this...

8 Comments

Ashley Reese Ashley Reese Oct 29, 2019. 9 comments

The President Has Never Met a Dog

The President Has Never Met a Dog
Barf Bag Welcome to Barf Bag, a daily politics roundup to help you sort through the chaotic Trumpian news cycle.

Has Trump ever interacted with an animal?

Here’s all the shit we couldn’t cover today:President Trump cannot get enough of the dog who reportedly chased Islamic State leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi down a dark tunnel before al-Baghdadi ignited his suicide vest, killing himself and seven...

9 Comments

Lauren Evans Lauren Evans Sep 26, 2019. 20 comments

The Inventor of the Labradoodle Is Filled With Regret

The Inventor of the Labradoodle Is Filled With Regret

Humanity has spawned many puzzling creations, like chicken-flavored nail polish and these shoes . Up until this point, I hadn’t considered labradoodles among the weirder things we’ve thought of, or even the weirder dogs we’ve thought of. (That’s pugs.) But the inventor of the Lab-poodle hybrid sorely regrets unleashing his ungodly creation upon humanity. It is, in fact, his life’s regret.

“I...

20 Comments

Aug 13, 2019. 18 comments

Dogs With Inner Monologues, Ranked

Dogs With Inner Monologues, Ranked

This past weekend, The Art of Racing in the Rain joined the glorious canon of cinema starring humanized dogs with audible inner monologues. These dogs are voiced by some of Hollywood’s biggest names, as I imagine whenever an actor’s agent calls them to tell them they have the opportunity to play a dog, the answer is always: “Sign me up, immediately.”

Below is a list ranking these dogs based on...

18 Comments

Emily Alford Emily Alford Aug 11, 2019. 23 comments

Pit Bulls Are Allowed to Fly Delta Again

Pit Bulls Are Allowed to Fly Delta Again

A year after Delta banned “pit bull type” dogs from flying on its planes as service animals, the Department of Transportation has decreed that the airline must allow all types of service dogs on board.

Delta instated the ban after two employees were bitten, and in a statement to People, the airline insinuated the dogs might not have actually been trained service animals:

“We must err on the...

23 Comments

Aug 08, 2019. 8 comments

How Will They Make the Real Dogs Kiss?

How Will They Make the Real Dogs Kiss?

As someone completely overwhelmed by The Lion King live-action remake press cycle , I elected to remove myself from any future conversation relating to Disney’s nostalgia-based content creation plan. That was before I saw People’s exclusive photos of the Lady and the Tramp live-action remake and spit out my coffee because the images are so aggressively funny.

Justin Theroux will voice...

8 Comments

Ashley Reese Ashley Reese Aug 02, 2019. 21 comments

Have You Met Ivanka's New Dog Yet?

Have You Met Ivanka's New Dog Yet?

Last month, Ivanka Trump introduced the newest member of the Trump-Kushner family: Winter, a very white dog that almost looks like a fox. (It’s not . Or is it?) The dog was a birthday gift for Trump’s eight-year-old daughter, Arabella, and it’s—well, it’s a dog.

A dog with a very... piercing, almost deadened gaze?

Which feels... familiar?

There were plenty of jokes made about Trump, a proud...

21 Comments

Rich Juzwiak Rich Juzwiak Jun 07, 2019. 13 comments

Barbra Streisand's Dogs: We Miss Our Dead Clone Mom

Barbra Streisand's Dogs: We Miss Our Dead Clone Mom

Look how sad. Look how sad!

There are dog people, and then there are dog people whose dogs are clones. Barbra Streisand falls into the latter category, of course. The legendary diva recently posted an Instagram of her mythical beasts (lab-created Coton de Tulears) posed on the tombstone of that which spawned spawned them. As Streisand explained last year in a brief essay for the New York...

13 Comments

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