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Megan Greenwell Megan Greenwell Jan 31, 2019. 17 comments

Isn't The Super Bowl Supposed To Be Fun?

Isn't The Super Bowl Supposed To Be Fun?

The Patriots are, in all likelihood, going to win again, and it’s going to be awful. The question now is: What is the worst possible way they could win? A 52-6 blowout? A three-TD lead for L.A. followed by yet another miraculous comeback by everyone’s least-favorite fancy dog ? Aaron Donald breaking Brady’s ankle and Brian Hoyer pulling it out somehow? I hate it all.

Third-string Deadcast host...

17 Comments

David Roth David Roth Jan 24, 2019. 14 comments

Let's Just Keep Doing This Shit Forever!

Let's Just Keep Doing This Shit Forever!

There’s no sense in waiting for it at this point. The New England Patriots, who have been shitting up the mid-winter for sports fans throughout this entire terrible millennium, are not remotely close to going away, not any more than, say, measles or famine are close to going away. They’re a problem, but one that gets managed more than it gets eradicated. It’s embarrassing that, at this late...

14 Comments

Dennis Young Dennis Young Jan 21, 2019. 24 comments

Fuck This Fucking Shit 

Fuck This Fucking Shit 
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The Patriots beat the Chiefs 37-31 in an overtime instant classic at Kansas City, clinching the AFC title and a Super Bowl berth against the Rams. Tom Brady engineered long drives down the field at the end of regulation and in overtime—both of which ended with rushing touchdowns by Rex Burkhead.

New England is going...

24 Comments

Samer Kalaf Samer Kalaf Jan 15, 2019. 24 comments

This Dude Really Served Clemson Boxed-Up Fast Food On A Bunch Of Fancy Trays

This Dude Really Served Clemson Boxed-Up Fast Food On A Bunch Of Fancy Trays

Earlier today, President Donald Trump boasted about getting a bunch of fast food for the college football national champions, who were visiting the White House tonight, and he really did it! Take a gander at those carefully arranged sauce packets in a dish on top of a tray, for no reason.

President Trump: I’m Going To Serve Fast Food Burgers And Pizza To The Clemson Football Team…

The...

24 Comments

Samer Kalaf Samer Kalaf Aug 17, 2018. 17 comments

Two Insufferable Teams Combine Forces For One Really Big Piece Of Shit

Two Insufferable Teams Combine Forces For One Really Big Piece Of Shit

Notre Dame football will play at Yankee Stadium in November, so to commemorate what will surely be a memorable game against Syracuse, the Fighting Irish will wear these pinstriped uniforms. The price is quite steep at $95, but anyone who’d buy one would be doing so drunk anyway.

The sleeves and cursive script are a little reference to the New York Yankees, that historic baseball team currently...

17 Comments

Mr. Baseball Mr. Baseball Sep 13, 2017. 11 comments

A Night In Hell: The Savage Horrors Of World Series Game 2

A Night In Hell: The Savage Horrors Of World Series Game 2

“The path to paradise begins in hell.” —Mr. Baseball, My Life and Memories, Volume 2: The Childhood Years (Book 2, Ages 3 through 5).

One of the perks of my occupation as a baseball historian is having the opportunity to attend important baseball games at no personal cost to myself. Through various obscure means, certain institutions offer to “pay my way,” as it were, allowing me to witness...

11 Comments

Samer Kalaf Samer Kalaf Aug 26, 2017. 17 comments

Report: Colin Cowherd And Jason Whitlock To Host All Takes Matter At Fox Sports

Report: Colin Cowherd And Jason Whitlock To Host <i>All Takes Matter</i> At Fox Sports

Going by the ratings, no one wants to see scuttling opinion-haver Colin Cowherd and motivational speaker Jason Whitlock on their televisions. Despite this, they will be the new hosts of a Fox Sports show tentatively titled Speak For Yourself. (There’s still time for Fox to take up our suggestion to just cut to the chase and call it All Takes Matter; they can have that one for free.)

17 Comments

Timothy Burke Timothy Burke Aug 21, 2017. 23 comments

We Are All Living In Hell [Update]

We Are All Living In Hell [Update]

There is no ever-loving deity. There is only Satan himself, handling the levers and pulleys that guide our lives, our limbs, our souls. Update: 

There is no escape. It is eternal.

[NBC]

23 Comments

Tim Marchman Tim Marchman Aug 20, 2017. 10 comments

White Sox Create Hellish Artifact

White Sox Create Hellish Artifact

Why an alarm clock that wakes you up by having Hawk Harrelson scream “You can put it on the board ... YESSSS!” at you exists I just can’t tell you, though Paul Skrbina of the Chicago Tribune has reported that we came close to living in a reality where the clock yelled “You gotta be bleepin’ me!” at you. What I can tell you is that thanks to generous reader Keenan, I can confirm that this is a...

10 Comments

Chris Thompson Chris Thompson Aug 19, 2017. 20 comments

Woe To The Land: Today's Guide To Ignoring The NFL Playoffs

Woe To The Land: Today's Guide To Ignoring The NFL Playoffs

Big choices today, folks. On the one hand, you could do something fun and enriching and squeeze a little enjoyment out of your weekend; on the other hand, you could subject yourself to the misery of what might be the worst playoff quarterback matchup in NFL history. Tough call!

The Texans are stuck with quarterback Brick Ostenpfeffer after replacement Ted Sewage suffered a concussion in Week...

20 Comments

Patrick Redford Patrick Redford Aug 19, 2017. 19 comments

Hell Exists And It's Getting Your Hair Cut While Skip Bayless Yells At You

Hell Exists And It's Getting Your Hair Cut While Skip Bayless Yells At You

The Los Angeles Times’ Lance Pugmire talked to old friend Skip Bayless and wrote about his preparation for the premiere of Second Take, which will begin airing on Sept. 6 and, if patterns hold , will stop drawing viewers about a week later when everyone is finished rubber-necking. Skip has already promised HOTTER TAKES now that ESPN isn’t keeping his raw truths from the people.

Something he...

19 Comments

Samer Kalaf Samer Kalaf Aug 19, 2017. 17 comments

Colin Cowherd's And Jason Whitlock's All Takes Matter Is Going To Be A Goddamn Hour Long

Colin Cowherd's And Jason Whitlock's <i>All Takes Matter </i>Is Going To Be A Goddamn Hour Long

The world is already aware that Colin Cowherd and Jason Whitlock will team up for their new Fox Sports 1 show Speak For Yourself, which should be called (and which we are calling) All Takes Matter, but no one was prepared for it to be a full hour at 6 p.m.

Fox Sports announced in a press release today that All Takes Matter will debut on June 13. The first paragraph, which doesn’t make sense,...

17 Comments

Patrick Redford Patrick Redford Aug 18, 2017. 13 comments

Watch Skip Bayless Debate Himself, If You Dare

Watch Skip Bayless Debate Himself, If You Dare

Second Take host Skip Bayless is perhaps the most unshakeable sports yeller out there, and he’s certainly the clear debate champion among FS1's band of squawking misfits. The future of FS1 is fewer Ken Rosenthal gems and more cantankerous opinion-havers yelling at each other for some reason, and Bayless is the purest distillation of this ethos. The content of the takes doesn’t matter, just...

13 Comments

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